Come Back

To catch the Zen lecture at Temple of Enlightment, I got up at 7:30am yesterday and took the train to Bronx. I bathed in the morning sun light and felt delighted. The temple was more like a Yoga classroom, plain and spacious. Before the meditation began, I went to the kitchen with Charlie and helped others with cooking. The meditation part was physically stressful for me. The length of each session is about an hour, and we had to keep the correct position. The lights were turned down and it was very quiet. The temptation of going to sleep was very strong. In theory, one should not think about other matters but concentrate on pursuing enlightment. But there were many things on my mind and I can not help jumping from issues to issues. After the first meditation session, the teacher (from Taiwan) started to talk about the arrangement of the 10 days Zen leture. Then he began to teach how to seat to avoid pain, how to position yourself so that you can easily focus on meditation, and what was meant to cut off your six senses. He had a lengthy discussion about being alive and being dead, and he was a very articulated teacher who can embed the buddism teaching in personal stories and jokes. Because I have no previous exposure to Zen and its canons, it was kind of difficult for me to follow his every word. After the lecture, it was another hour of meditation and the teacher walked around with his wooden sword to catch lossy students who falled into sleep or wandering their minds. I left after the second meditation session to meet my yoga teacher at gym. I told Hugh I felt depressed recently and asked about how to deal with it with some yoga excercise. Hugh brought me a little illustrated book by his teacher, about some short sequences of yoga positions to handling three types of depressions. He showed me some positions and then he asked why I felt depressed. So I told him the story and my current situation. He thought for a while and started to recall his personal experience of being depressed and how yoga could help. He said yoga would not take you away from your troubles, but to let you feel strong enough to handle them. Different people have different reactions to various posts and I should practice different sequences to find the appropriate way to release my pressure. He said I should be sensitive to my body and feelings and overcome those destructive behaviors, such as watching TV all the time which I did. I felt kind of embarrasing to talk about my personal concerns initially, but much relaxed afterwards. Hugh said when one was in trouble, it was good to talk with friends and consider other options. I agree with that, but the fact that I can not do anything in my current situation makes me very sad. In fact, Hugh's suggestions are similiar to what I got from Dr. Flaxaman the day before. I went to talk to him about my situation and asked about university procedures. He listened to me very carefully, and wrote down my narratives, and asked many important questions. He thought I was overwhelminly intimidated by the situation and was blind to many of my talking points and options. In fact, he thought my advisor had indeed gave me the solutions, to some extent. Given the situation, the best and only option for me at the moment was to wait. I was so obsessed with my own troubles and forgot to take care of my friends. Actually I feel grateful that many of them take their time to talk with me. I have got used to call Liang and Sis every time I am in hot water, and I count on them as professional and rational support. To talk with Yan, she always gives me some personal insights about the issue and let me know I am not the only person who suffer in the world. David trusts me and tells me his opinion from faculty's perspective. Jingqin and Allan call me to send their carings. Fang and her mom hosted me when I were very much depressed and falled into illness. Charlie who wishes to save me with Zen teaching gives me the opportunity to know many wonderful people. And Hugh, sent me the little book with the following poetry on the cover: This being human is a guest house, Every morning a new arrival; A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes, as unexpected guest; Welcome and entertain them all, even if they are crowds of sorrows, who violently sweep your home, empty of its funitures; Still, treat each guest honorably, for he may be clearing you out some new delight; The dark thought, the shame, the malice, Meeting them at the door laughing and invite them in; For whatever comes, they come as a guide from the beyond.