I apologized

I did it. After a long hesitation, I made an apology which I should make two years ago. It is really hard, but I believe I should do it and I did it. With little embarrasement on both sides, James took it very well and we even chated a bit afterwards. He suggested we should keep on talking about what I wish to do after graduation. I feel so relaxed and confused. Is it I am not as guilty as I thought I was? Or James did not take it very personally and just as a matter of work? I certainly am the person to be blamed and felt ashamed, but why I was not taking any action to show my regret in the past? Is it that I do not have the courage to do it? Or I don't think it is important to do it at all? Am I learning a lesson from my past? Am I not suffered enough for what I have done and have not done? Is it an end of the past or a start anew, or boht? Is it so hard to confess that I was wrong and I have learnt from my mistakes? At the end of the day, what really matters? Tom gave a great presentation about fundraising and told a lots of personal stories. He is so expereience in some many aspects, why I have not learnt a thing in the past years? What should we learn from our advisor and how should we learn it? James says research becomes more and more a collaborateive work nowdays, not an individulistic pursue of truth. So what have I done in the past two years? Could my life be different if I were still part of the research team at CCRC? Given I am alone on my research, what could I do differently in the past two years? I know life is not about questioning myself all the time. But when I stop and reflect, I am terrified about what I have not learnt from my mistakes and repeat them over and over again. What really comes out of me? Life is too short to not to think, not to reflect and not to do anything to change. So I apologize to others and to myself. Being true and frank, being warm and helpful, and being cruious and befing reflective always, you stupid coward!