I apologized

I did it. After a long hesitation, I made an apology which I should make two years ago. It is really hard, but I believe I should do it and I did it. With little embarrasement on both sides, James took it very well and we even chated a bit afterwards. He suggested we should keep on talking about what I wish to do after graduation. I feel so relaxed and confused. Is it I am not as guilty as I thought I was? Or James did not take it very personally and just as a matter of work? I certainly am the person to be blamed and felt ashamed, but why I was not taking any action to show my regret in the past? Is it that I do not have the courage to do it? Or I don't think it is important to do it at all? Am I learning a lesson from my past? Am I not suffered enough for what I have done and have not done? Is it an end of the past or a start anew, or boht? Is it so hard to confess that I was wrong and I have learnt from my mistakes? At the end of the day, what really matters? Tom gave a great presentation about fundraising and told a lots of personal stories. He is so expereience in some many aspects, why I have not learnt a thing in the past years? What should we learn from our advisor and how should we learn it? James says research becomes more and more a collaborateive work nowdays, not an individulistic pursue of truth. So what have I done in the past two years? Could my life be different if I were still part of the research team at CCRC? Given I am alone on my research, what could I do differently in the past two years? I know life is not about questioning myself all the time. But when I stop and reflect, I am terrified about what I have not learnt from my mistakes and repeat them over and over again. What really comes out of me? Life is too short to not to think, not to reflect and not to do anything to change. So I apologize to others and to myself. Being true and frank, being warm and helpful, and being cruious and befing reflective always, you stupid coward!

Sorry

I told a lie today and I feel sorry about it. I did not get AERA dissertation grant, not because I was not eligible (I have hold another grant), but because my work was not up to the standard of the Review Committee. They actually turned me down (no policy relevance). I read the Reader yesterday night before bed. Michael found out Hanna left him not because he betrayed her and denied her, but because she did not want to be found as an illiterate. He did not feel less guilty because of this, since he still betrayed her. If he was not guilty of betraying a criminal, he would be guilty of loving a criminal. Michael asked his father if he had a better judgement about Hanna's situation, whether or not he could act on her behalf to save her. His father replied, he could not do that because of the freedom of will and liberty. Instead, he could inform Hanna about her choice and his advice. However, it was not an option for him. What is so good about telling the truth?

Being Julia and Closer

Two wonderful movies for a single night is a luxury. After the humous and cheerful comedy, Being Julia, the tail-heavy drama Closer becomes even harder to take. Being Julia is a 2004 film directed by István Szabó, inspired by W. Somerset Maugham's novel Theatre. Set in the world of the London stage in the late 1930s, reigning diva Julia Lambert's success and fame grow suddenly wearisome. She falls in love with a young American, Tom Fennel, and begins a passionate affair. When she realises that Tom is just a young social climber whose real passion is ambitious young starlet Avice Crichton, Julia begins to plot a delightful revenge. Annette Bening gave Julia a charming character and overwhelmingly loveable. The plot of the film is carefully laid out and the most interesting part of the film is Julia's communication with her dead mentor. The mentor appears every time she is emotionally struggled, and tells her how to transform her emotion into dramatical power on the stage. At the end of the movie, Julia goes to the resturant alone after the successful opening night for her new play. She drinks her beer and gazes into her past, present and future. The motionless position of her body and emotionless face of hers make such a deep imprint that you might forget everything about the movie, but not her face. Closer is adopted from a play written by Patrick Marber. The film is a modern tragedic version of Mozart's opera Così fan tutte; the film features that music and the characters attend a performance of the opera. Also, the music of Irish folk singer Damien Rice is featured in the film, most notably the song, "The Blower's Daughter", whose lyrics drew many parallels with the themes present in the film. Side point: The band Panic! At the Disco's 2005 debut album included songs called "Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off" and "But it's Better if You Do", a direct reference to a line spoken by Natalie Portman's character. ("Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, but it's better if you do.")

要是爸在

这一晚，吃饱喝足了，坐下来喝茶和抠脚丫子，对着电脑发呆。然后，非常的想念爸爸，想念有人替自己做主的日子。 昨天晚上做梦，一个人磨豆子做豆浆。吭哧吭哧地原地打转，心里急得不行就醒过来了。哎，要是爸在，三十岁也不用而立，四十岁也不用不惑，五十岁也不用知天命，一辈子糊涂都不用发愁，多好！要是爸在，他一定逼着我再组装一台晶体管收音机，告诉我等收音机装好了，心里的事儿也就找着答案了。要是爸在，他一定看不惯我这么没精打采地磨蹭，他一定会抽出我的懒筋来，让我踏踏实实地干活，老老实实的做人。嘿，他干吗那么着急就从“爸爸”的岗位上退了下来呢？我还有好多人生的问题等着他来回答呢，那些问题的答案不在《十万个为什么》里面，也不再《儒勒法尔纳全集》中间，也不在他喜欢的《元曲选》里。要是爸在， 我的人生一定会简单的多。要是爸在，我要告诉他，我也开始喜欢胡一刀，不再喜欢令狐冲了。

祖国山河一片红

晚会，记得吗？

北京

银川

天安门

福娃

National Day 2

National Day