2006年2月18日星期六
On us- a generation with low EQs
The long hours of phone call yesterday night makes me really exhausted and the yoga this brings me back to life again. It is a painful experience to learn your friend is suffering and you can not help her out. I guess the emotional questions are always difficult to deal with, no matter how high your IQ is. We talked through her problem with bf and job hunting, and it seemed that we all tried to figure it out in a quite rational way, in a analytical way, and in a emotionaless way. In the end, I asked her, "do you know what other people do in this kind of situation?" She replied in such an interesting way. "You see, I know a person who responses without much reasoning. Once he learned about my relationship with my ex bf and our breakup, he began to hate all Chinese people, Chinse cusine and even Chinese vingar. That's what people usually do." We laughed and the answer was that simple!
All though I had never experienced a really relationship, but I understood that she was in such a struggle and many of her career decisions wer affected by her emotional turbulance recently. The big problem is you can never control this kind of stuff, especially when you do not have much experience in the battle field for love and lust. I used to believe we were all belong to the intellectual type and we could think things through. In her words, we use our head instead of our heart all the time. There is a dangour here, that is, we can be easily touched but don't know really how to play the game of love. I think she made a right decision to quit the battle because she can not win anything from it, but still she got hurt. We have been friends for such a long time (about 16 to 17 years), but she still not felt comfortable to talk with me about her relationship which makes me very sad. Maybe we should open our mind earlier and that will make our lives much easier. Or maybe we should learn earlier to talk and discuss our problems, even thouse painful ones.
She mentioned almost none of our old pals had any luck in love. Most of us are single and work hard. It is true in the sense that we are prohibited to know love when we are in middle schools and high schools, but I don't think that is the only reason that we don't have the ability to love and be loved. The cult of not speaking of love and affection in our homes and in schools is growing out of our youth time in late 1980s and 1990s. Even though we read all the stuffs by Wang Shuo, Wang Meng, even Qiong Yao and Yi Shu, we dared to practice none. There are so many invisible lines around us, so many taboos. Once we get use to them, we are not even aware of their existence and their impacts. In this sense, we internalize them. It is funny because we were also deeply influenced also by the whole idea of "romantic love" in both the traditoinal western literature and Chinese literature. So the combination of these two streams is a generation of us, who don't pay any attention to the femism aspect of our body and mind, who dream about soul mate all the time, and who are so low in EQ. I don't want to victimize us as the sacrifice of certain social culture environment. But it is a tragedy of our education and our times.
2006年2月16日星期四
In the spirit of sport.
Played squash with David and I really wored out after an hour and half. He tried to show me all the tricks and that was just simply too much! I used every bit of my energy and I felt great afterward. Sport is a strange activity. It keeps you high and sperates you from the real world, just like the movie does. However, it doesn't disturb your emotion, but occupies all your body and mind. It takes effort to master and it rewards you with more demanding tasks. It stimulates your spirit, but guarentees no success. Nevertheless, it makes life wonderful!
Yevgeny Plushenko won the gold, but I think he was not as good as in Salt Lake city. Maybe becoming great always makes people conservative. What I love for him is his passion for skating, not technical perfection.
快毕业吧，我祈祷！
It is a incredible sunny day today! People start to wear shorts and sunglass, while the snow are still pilling on the side of street corner. It melts so fast and creats many little creeks along the sidewalk. I have the impression that I were walking in the wild, and in fact I am justing going down the riverside park. Dogs like snow and they smell it and taste it and walk on it, they do all bunch of things people want to do but dare not. The mentality of dog is more playful and carefree, and I guess they enjoy life more than us as well. They surf on the surface of happiness, which we forget long time ago.
生活的时针不为任何一个人逆转。早上醒来的时候，又觉得阳光的可喜和生命的甜美。在实验室里发呆的时候，发觉自己正在享受着幸福和存在的滋味。 可是转念一想，就在觉得幸福的这一刹那死去也没有什么不好，浮士德不就是在那个瞬间超脱了这个世界？
从来没觉得读书是一件苦事，可是现在开始觉得了。读书读到第二十二年的头上，才发觉自己也许不是读书的料。小时候哥哥不喜欢读书经常挨打，现在我不喜欢读书，也没人打我，还能一个人闲逛，可见世界的不公。我现在读书觉得辛苦，一个人在没有尽头的跑道上挣扎，实在没有太大的意思。我这个人胸无大志，没有救全人类于水火之中的勇气和责任感，可是又不甘于寂寞和碌碌无为。所以就像朋友说得那样，每天都不敢松一口气，停下来往沙发上一躺，看电视打发时间。我就怕这心里的一口真气散了，我就真的再也没有勇气学习了。我就是自己的刀俎，我也是自己的鱼肉。在这个物价奇贵的城市里，我知道自己的每一分钟都是昂贵的。 快毕业吧，我祈祷！
2006年2月14日星期二
生命的声音 续
我本来是一个不信神佛的人，但是生活本身往往比戏剧更精彩，让你不得不相信，冥冥之中自有一个高于你的存在，在安排着我们的命运。姥姥一生辛劳，妈妈也一样，可是她们都忍耐着，辛苦的活着。可是男人们没有那么坚强，姥爷六十六岁过世，现在已有21年了。父亲过世时，妈妈也不过五十四岁。而这个舅舅，不过退休几年，还没怎么享到晚福。 人的生命真是脆弱，走的时候咔嘣一声，就把几十年的爱恨情仇一起抛开了。
海粤今天来信说她的宝贝四月一日就要出生了，每天她的老公都要和她一起倾听孩子的声音。等到孩子真的来了的时候，他们会制造出巨大的声音，向这个世界宣布他们的到来。然后他们就叫嚷着长大了，一个比一个嗓门儿大，迫不及待的冲向了成年人的世界。接着他们开始大声抱怨世界的不公，忙不迭的发送自己爱人和被爱的信息。之后他们成家立业，他们的声音逐渐落了下去，他们的精气神被生活吞没了。最后他们的家也空了下来，孩子们都飞走了。他们的声音往往变成了一声长长的叹息，直到生命的尽头。黄蛇是怎么向小王子描述死亡的？那是一条回到玫瑰花身边的路。但是如果你所眷恋的仍然留在这个尘世中呢？如果彼岸没有一朵玫瑰花在等你呢？
我的案头是去年夏天回国时照的全家福。上面的舅舅还很健旺，虽然一直有病，但是她的精神很好，还能够很大声的挑剔饭菜的质量。因为点的是上海菜，不合他的口味，他就一直挑剔说材料不好，做工不细，好像他真的上过很高级的上海菜馆。其实谁也没有。但是大家喜欢听他的絮叨，能絮叨的人对生活还有很多的要求，他们还有劲儿，他们还在意生活的细节。现在舅舅永远停在照片上的年纪上了。姥姥的全家福上，人没见多，反而一年比一年少。中国人讲话，白发人送黑发人，是人间极大的悲哀。她已经送走了自己的半子（女婿），现在又送走自己的儿子，她的心里会不会想不开啊？！
我上小学和中学的时候，有好几个暑假是和姥姥一起过的，而且她在我们家住的时间也长，所以我们的感情很深。夏天的日子很容易打发，我们早上睡个懒觉，然后到早点铺子打豆浆和油条，回来吃饱喝足了，就到水上公园或者体院北去逛。中午随便填把一点，下午接着去逛菜市或者百货大楼。晚上两个人来一瓶啤酒，她就开始讲她童年、少年、青年时代的故事。故事一开了头，就很难打住。我们在半梦半醒之间从临安居坝邬（音译）的乡下看她到学堂读书，打着油光水滑的大辫子和她的母亲一起做家事。她的婚事是家里定的，要嫁给一个没见过面的在上海读法政大学的学生。她也不知道这是好是坏。姥爷年轻的时候真是个风流倜傥的人物，他支持年轻的妻子到钱阳的县城里开布店，这在当时还是有点超前的味道。然后是席卷中国的革命，姥爷去北京工作了，姥姥用一张火车票带着两个孩子从杭州到南京，在她弟弟的帮助下，一直找到了北京。她天生有一股不怕生的劲头，居然通过浙江的同乡会找到在中南海工作的同乡，然后被介绍到外交部工作。那个时候她识字不多，完全靠自学和夜校学会了打字和文秘。我和她一起去探望过当年的同事，我惊讶于她的人缘和交际，这么多年之后，无论当年的同事现在是大使的夫人还是退休的普通工人，她们都记得和姥姥一起工作的时候发生的很多事。然而个人是无法和时代抗争的，很快的，她就和其他出身有问题的同事一起被发配到长春，然后是保定，石家庄，天津，几乎每一个河北省的城市。姥爷也一样，从最高法院到民盟工作，一直到最后的海河治理委员会。他们最后有四个孩子，但是在天津的河西区里只有两间筒子楼的房。我的妈妈嫁到北京，最小的两个舅舅都成了上山下乡的知识青年，一个到内蒙，一个到黑龙江。当他们都辗转回到天津和北京的时候，姥爷却因为在唐山地震中受的旧伤，在八五年因脑肿瘤去世了。地震的那年，本来姥爷是要和姥姥一起到北京照料要生我的妈妈的。因为临时替同事出差才去了唐山。姥姥和姥爷的一辈子，和大多数的沉默的中国人一样，在痛苦和碌碌无为中度过了。他们不是什么名人，因此他们的故事除了我大概也没人会提起。他们的生命悄无声息，不是他们不想发声，而是他们的时代太沉重了。
如今我在这个陌生的城市里，听到一个生命消失的声音，一个和我有着血缘关系的人的去世，又一次痛感生命的脆弱和我们的无能为力。我孤身一个人来到这个世上，最终也将一个人离去，我的生命会发出什么样的声音呢？我不知道，但愿不只是一声叹息！
订阅：
博文 (Atom)
