I started to read Kundera's Identity last night after a long conversation with Mao. Mao mentioned one of her students at NYU suddenly lost her mental control and became unconcisous since the past Sunday. I met that girl once at Mao's new year party. She was graduated from Nankai University and married her foreign lanugage instructor and moved to U.S. in 1999. She is of my age and just started her doctoral study last Fall. She is kind of easy-going and happy nature girl and her happiness is contangious. We went along pretty well and had a lot of fun that night. Mao said her husband flew from Virginia when she was already hospitalized. She can not even recoginze him. No reason was released about her sudden madiness. Mao and I feel sorry for her, but we don't know what we can do at this stage. It is a very difficult situation. She is American and has her family, and her husband doesn't want other people to get into their privacy. If she will continuous be insane, I don't know what will happen to her,without her extended family around her.
That was the story I was told before I began to read Identity, another story about lovers who lost their identity even with the closest ones. Lovers suddently forget about each other. In the begining of the book, Chanty had this dream in which her ex husband and his new wife appeared, as well as lots of other people who had not got involved in her life for a long time. She concluded that the dream was to de-value her present life by boosting her past, and she refused to take it because she liked her present way of living and her lover Jean-Mac. I stopped there and went to sleep. Then I had this weird dream myself, about my mid school classmates, especially this girl called Cheng Wen. I was not particular kin on her even in school days, but in my dream she got married and had kids. We talked and then she had to leave for home. I am very tired after that dream. What does it mean?
Today is International Women's Day and I have to reflect who I am and what I am becoming. In the dream, I seemed to lost my identity and became nothing more than a joke to my friends who had "real-life". Is it true? Do families, kids, husbands, homes prove your success? Do I need all these to make my life "full of meaning"? I doubt. But the tougher question is "what is it then?" Kundera let his heorin to make jokes about the married men, and called them "daddized". So if I am not going to mommized myself, what shall I be? I always complain that I don't have a life here as doctoral student, but will I have a life later as a faculty or researcher or anything? I need to define myself through my work, my relationship, my family and my beliefs. But now, many of them are hanging in the air. So who am I? A caterpillar? But a caterpillar of what?
Maybe it is the morning Yoga class which makes me too critical about myself. The truth is I am in the middle of the river, between puberty and adulthood, between student and profession, between China and America. My life so far is about cross the lines, but where is my boundary?
2006年3月8日星期三
Identity
I started to read Kundera's Identity last night after a long conversation with Mao. Mao mentioned one of her students at NYU suddenly lost her mental control and became unconcisous since the past Sunday. I met that girl once at Mao's new year party. She was graduated from Nankai University and married her foreign lanugage instructor and moved to U.S. in 1999. She is of my age and just started her doctoral study last Fall. She is kind of easy-going and happy nature girl and her happiness is contangious. We went along pretty well and had a lot of fun that night. Mao said her husband flew from Virginia when she was already hospitalized. She can not even recoginze him. No reason was released about her sudden madiness. Mao and I feel sorry for her, but we don't know what we can do at this stage. It is a very difficult situation. She is American and has her family, and her husband doesn't want other people to get into their privacy. If she will continuous be insane, I don't know what will happen to her,without her extended family around her.
That was the story I was told before I began to read Identity, another story about lovers who lost their identity even with the closest ones. Lovers suddently forget about each other. In the begining of the book, Chanty had this dream in which her ex husband and his new wife appeared, as well as lots of other people who had not got involved in her life for a long time. She concluded that the dream was to de-value her present life by boosting her past, and she refused to take it because she liked her present way of living and her lover Jean-Mac. I stopped there and went to sleep. Then I had this weird dream myself, about my mid school classmates, especially this girl called Cheng Wen. I was not particular kin on her even in school days, but in my dream she got married and had kids. We talked and then she had to leave for home. I am very tired after that dream. What does it mean?
Today is International Women's Day and I have to reflect who I am and what I am becoming. In the dream, I seemed to lost my identity and became nothing more than a joke to my friends who had "real-life". Is it true? Do families, kids, husbands, homes prove your success? Do I need all these to make my life "full of meaning"? I doubt. But the tougher question is "what is it then?" Kundera let his heorin to make jokes about the married men, and called them "daddized". So if I am not going to mommized myself, what shall I be? I always complain that I don't have a life here as doctoral student, but will I have a life later as a faculty or researcher or anything? I need to define myself through my work, my relationship, my family and my beliefs. But now, many of them are hanging in the air. So who am I? A caterpillar? But a caterpillar of what?
Maybe it is the morning Yoga class which makes me too critical about myself. The truth is I am in the middle of the river, between puberty and adulthood, between student and profession, between China and America. My life so far is about cross the lines, but where is my boundary?
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