2006年10月23日星期一
一生做一次孤儿--艾柯
那些生活在幸福和爱中的人们常常抱怨，他们得不到任何爱，于是他们反抗，他们出走，因为他们从来就没有失去过爱。
一无所有后才会无所不有，失去后才会珍惜所有，学会施与才懂得感恩，这是我在《长腿叔叔》中所读到的更多的东西。
每个女孩子在看了《长腿叔叔》后都希望自己自己变成一个孤儿，羡慕那种无拘无束和自由放任的生活，幻想着也能够遇到自己的白马王子——长腿叔叔。而我想告诉大家的是，生活需要奇迹，而最大的奇迹就是你自己。
给你爱的人和爱你的人亲笔写封信，无论他们远在天涯还是近在咫尺——如果能做到这一点，也就达到了我们出版这本书信体小说的目的了。
长腿叔叔
昨晚你睡了吗?我没有，一夜没有合眼。我太惊喜，太兴奋又太糊涂了。我想我再也睡不着了，再也吃不下饭了。不过我希望你要睡觉，你得睡，这样你才能快些好起来，来到我身边。
亲爱的人，一想到你病得如此严重，就让我心痛——而我在这之前却毫不知情。昨天医生送我下楼上车时，告诉我3天来他们几乎放弃希望了。喔，我最亲爱的，真是如此，对我而言这世界的希望也都将随你而去。我想将来的某一天——在遥远的未来——我们其中一人必须先行离去，不过至少已经幸福地生活在一起过了，会有许多值得回忆的东西。
我想要让你高兴起来——首先必须先让我自己高兴起来。尽管我比做梦都还要快乐，但我也更清醒了。害怕出什么事情，这个念头如同阴影一般笼罩在我的心头。以前我无牵无挂，对什么都满不在乎，因为没有什么东西可以失去。可是从今以后，我将无休止地担心。只要你一离开我身边，我就会想到汽车可能会撞到你，招牌可能会掉下来砸到你的头。我的心将永不得安宁——不过，我一点也不太在乎平静的安宁。
请快点好起来，快点，再快点。我要你紧靠在我身边，我可以触摸到你，确信你是真实的。我们在一起只有短短的半小时啊!我深怕我是在做梦。如果我是你家族的一员该多好，这样我就可以天天去看你，念书给你听，为你理好靠枕，抚平你那两条额纹，笑得露出嘴角。你现在情绪好些了吗?昨天我走的时候你情绪很好，医生说我一定是个好护士，你看起来一下子年轻了10岁。恋爱可不要让每个人都年轻10岁。如果我变成只有11岁，你还在乎我吗?
昨天是我一生最美妙的一天。即使我活到99岁，我也忘不了那一个个细节。清晨离开洛克威洛的那个女孩子与晚上回来的判若两人。山普太太4点半时叫我起床，我在黑暗中惊醒，第一个闪入我脑中的念头是：“我要去见长腿叔叔!”我借着厨房里的烛光吃过早餐，然后穿过10月最壮观的景色，坐着马车走了5里路到火车站。我看着太阳冉冉升起，枫树和山花鲜红橙黄一片，空气清新、干净并充满希望。我知道有好事正等着我。一路上，轮子不断唱着：“你就要见到长腿叔叔了。”这让我有一种安全感。我对叔叔的处事能力有信心。我也知道，在某处有另一位男人——比长腿叔叔更亲爱的——正等着要见我，我预感到这次一定能见到他。结果，你瞧!
我抵达麦迪逊大街，高大的棕色房子令人生畏。我不敢贸然走进去，徘徊了很久才鼓起勇气。其实我根本不用怕，你的秘书是这么好的一个人，让我有宾至如归的感觉。“是艾伯特小姐吗?”他问我。我回答说：“是的。”我根本不用提史密斯先生。他让我在客厅等候。这是一间庄严、华丽的富有男人气息的房子。我坐在一张舒服的大椅子上，不断对自己说：“我要见到长腿叔叔了!我要见到长腿叔叔了!”
不一会儿，秘书回来请我到书房去。我激动得双脚真的都快不听使唤了。在书房门口，他回头低声地说：“小姐，他病得很严重。医生今天才同意他下床。请不要停留太久，使他过于激动。”从他说话的样子就知道他很爱你——我因此也对他产生了好感。
他敲了门并说：“艾伯特小姐来了。”然后我走进去，门在我身后带上了。
从明亮的走廊走进暗淡的书房，一时间我什么东西也看不见。慢慢地我看见壁炉前有张大的安乐椅。我看出来有个人坐在大椅子里，周围满是靠枕，膝上有一张毯子。我还来不及阻止他，他已经站起来了——有点颤抖——看着我不发一语。然后……然后……我看到那是你啊!不过就算这样我还是不明白。我以为是长腿叔叔让你来那儿见我，好给我个惊喜。
你笑着伸出手，说道：“亲爱的小茱蒂，你猜不到我就是长腿叔叔吗?”
这想法一瞬间掠过我脑海。喔，我多么笨呀!有100件小事可能都告诉了我，如果我够聪明的话。我做不了好警探。是吗?叔叔——杰维?我该怎么称呼你?只是叫杰维显得一点都不尊敬，我应该对你表示敬意的。
我们度过了非常甜蜜的半个小时，医生来把我赶走了。我恍恍惚惚抵达车站时，差点搭上往圣路易斯的火车。而你也激动得忘了请我喝茶。但我们都非常非常快乐，不是吗?我摸黑驾车回到洛克威洛——喔，天上星光闪烁!今早我带着柯林斯走遍所有我们一起去过的地方，而且记得你说的话，当时的情形。今天树林呈现出一片青铜色，空气冷冽清新，是登山的好天气。我真希望你在这儿陪我爬山。我想你想得不得了，亲爱的杰维。这种思念是愉快的，我们会很快就能在一起了。此刻我们心已相属，真真实实地!我终究有了归属，这有点奇怪吧?这似乎是一种非常非常甜蜜的感觉。
我今后将不让你有片刻的伤心。
你永远并始终如一的
莱蒂
星期四早晨
又及：
这是我写的第一封情书。我不晓得它是不是很好笑?
2006年10月22日星期日
Shopping for good news
I never try extensive shopping for 6 hours. Jingqin told me the best part was enjoying the fun of shopping and buying nothing. We spent hours in T.J. Max and tried to find the perfect bags for the coming winter. The fashion trend for this winter was red bag, so we dived into the sea of red bags. Once we were officially exhausted and ready to check out, we found the checkout line was a mile long. So we put down our bags and left, taking the fun part with us.
When we went over old CDs in the flea market, she confessed she might find the Mr. Right under my interegation. I was so happy for her (and in fact I can not help calling my mom this great news) and she really deserved a good guy. In the crowed subway train back home, I could not help teasing her that there was at least one good thing about that guy: he has the ability to appreciate her and keeps her good company with jokes and sincerity . She laughed. I guess for her, there will be a sweet November in San Francisco.
Good luck, my dear friend!
Come Back
To catch the Zen lecture at Temple of Enlightment, I got up at 7:30am yesterday and took the train to Bronx. I bathed in the morning sun light and felt delighted. The temple was more like a Yoga classroom, plain and spacious. Before the meditation began, I went to the kitchen with Charlie and helped others with cooking. The meditation part was physically stressful for me. The length of each session is about an hour, and we had to keep the correct position. The lights were turned down and it was very quiet. The temptation of going to sleep was very strong. In theory, one should not think about other matters but concentrate on pursuing enlightment. But there were many things on my mind and I can not help jumping from issues to issues. After the first meditation session, the teacher (from Taiwan) started to talk about the arrangement of the 10 days Zen leture. Then he began to teach how to seat to avoid pain, how to position yourself so that you can easily focus on meditation, and what was meant to cut off your six senses. He had a lengthy discussion about being alive and being dead, and he was a very articulated teacher who can embed the buddism teaching in personal stories and jokes. Because I have no previous exposure to Zen and its canons, it was kind of difficult for me to follow his every word. After the lecture, it was another hour of meditation and the teacher walked around with his wooden sword to catch lossy students who falled into sleep or wandering their minds.
I left after the second meditation session to meet my yoga teacher at gym. I told Hugh I felt depressed recently and asked about how to deal with it with some yoga excercise. Hugh brought me a little illustrated book by his teacher, about some short sequences of yoga positions to handling three types of depressions. He showed me some positions and then he asked why I felt depressed. So I told him the story and my current situation. He thought for a while and started to recall his personal experience of being depressed and how yoga could help. He said yoga would not take you away from your troubles, but to let you feel strong enough to handle them. Different people have different reactions to various posts and I should practice different sequences to find the appropriate way to release my pressure. He said I should be sensitive to my body and feelings and overcome those destructive behaviors, such as watching TV all the time which I did. I felt kind of embarrasing to talk about my personal concerns initially, but much relaxed afterwards. Hugh said when one was in trouble, it was good to talk with friends and consider other options. I agree with that, but the fact that I can not do anything in my current situation makes me very sad.
In fact, Hugh's suggestions are similiar to what I got from Dr. Flaxaman the day before. I went to talk to him about my situation and asked about university procedures. He listened to me very carefully, and wrote down my narratives, and asked many important questions. He thought I was overwhelminly intimidated by the situation and was blind to many of my talking points and options. In fact, he thought my advisor had indeed gave me the solutions, to some extent. Given the situation, the best and only option for me at the moment was to wait.
I was so obsessed with my own troubles and forgot to take care of my friends. Actually I feel grateful that many of them take their time to talk with me. I have got used to call Liang and Sis every time I am in hot water, and I count on them as professional and rational support. To talk with Yan, she always gives me some personal insights about the issue and let me know I am not the only person who suffer in the world. David trusts me and tells me his opinion from faculty's perspective. Jingqin and Allan call me to send their carings. Fang and her mom hosted me when I were very much depressed and falled into illness. Charlie who wishes to save me with Zen teaching gives me the opportunity to know many wonderful people. And Hugh, sent me the little book with the following poetry on the cover:
This being human is a guest house,
Every morning a new arrival;
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes,
as unexpected guest;
Welcome and entertain them all,
even if they are crowds of sorrows,
who violently sweep your home,
empty of its funitures;
Still, treat each guest honorably,
for he may be clearing you out some new delight;
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
Meeting them at the door laughing and invite them in;
For whatever comes,
they come as a guide from the beyond.
2006年10月4日星期三
I apologized
I did it. After a long hesitation, I made an apology which I should make two years ago. It is really hard, but I believe I should do it and I did it. With little embarrasement on both sides, James took it very well and we even chated a bit afterwards. He suggested we should keep on talking about what I wish to do after graduation.
I feel so relaxed and confused. Is it I am not as guilty as I thought I was? Or James did not take it very personally and just as a matter of work? I certainly am the person to be blamed and felt ashamed, but why I was not taking any action to show my regret in the past? Is it that I do not have the courage to do it? Or I don't think it is important to do it at all? Am I learning a lesson from my past? Am I not suffered enough for what I have done and have not done? Is it an end of the past or a start anew, or boht? Is it so hard to confess that I was wrong and I have learnt from my mistakes? At the end of the day, what really matters?
Tom gave a great presentation about fundraising and told a lots of personal stories. He is so expereience in some many aspects, why I have not learnt a thing in the past years? What should we learn from our advisor and how should we learn it? James says research becomes more and more a collaborateive work nowdays, not an individulistic pursue of truth. So what have I done in the past two years? Could my life be different if I were still part of the research team at CCRC? Given I am alone on my research, what could I do differently in the past two years?
I know life is not about questioning myself all the time. But when I stop and reflect, I am terrified about what I have not learnt from my mistakes and repeat them over and over again. What really comes out of me?
Life is too short to not to think, not to reflect and not to do anything to change. So I apologize to others and to myself. Being true and frank, being warm and helpful, and being cruious and befing reflective always, you stupid coward!
2006年10月3日星期二
Sorry
I told a lie today and I feel sorry about it. I did not get AERA dissertation grant, not because I was not eligible (I have hold another grant), but because my work was not up to the standard of the Review Committee. They actually turned me down (no policy relevance).
I read the Reader yesterday night before bed. Michael found out Hanna left him not because he betrayed her and denied her, but because she did not want to be found as an illiterate. He did not feel less guilty because of this, since he still betrayed her. If he was not guilty of betraying a criminal, he would be guilty of loving a criminal.
Michael asked his father if he had a better judgement about Hanna's situation, whether or not he could act on her behalf to save her. His father replied, he could not do that because of the freedom of will and liberty. Instead, he could inform Hanna about her choice and his advice. However, it was not an option for him.
What is so good about telling the truth?
Being Julia and Closer
Two wonderful movies for a single night is a luxury. After the humous and cheerful comedy, Being Julia, the tail-heavy drama Closer becomes even harder to take. Being Julia is a 2004 film directed by István Szabó, inspired by W. Somerset Maugham's novel Theatre. Set in the world of the London stage in the late 1930s, reigning diva Julia Lambert's success and fame grow suddenly wearisome. She falls in love with a young American, Tom Fennel, and begins a passionate affair. When she realises that Tom is just a young social climber whose real passion is ambitious young starlet Avice Crichton, Julia begins to plot a delightful revenge. Annette Bening gave Julia a charming character and overwhelmingly loveable. The plot of the film is carefully laid out and the most interesting part of the film is Julia's communication with her dead mentor. The mentor appears every time she is emotionally struggled, and tells her how to transform her emotion into dramatical power on the stage. At the end of the movie, Julia goes to the resturant alone after the successful opening night for her new play. She drinks her beer and gazes into her past, present and future. The motionless position of her body and emotionless face of hers make such a deep imprint that you might forget everything about the movie, but not her face.
Closer is adopted from a play written by Patrick Marber. The film is a modern tragedic version of Mozart's opera Così fan tutte; the film features that music and the characters attend a performance of the opera. Also, the music of Irish folk singer Damien Rice is featured in the film, most notably the song, "The Blower's Daughter", whose lyrics drew many parallels with the themes present in the film.
Side point: The band Panic! At the Disco's 2005 debut album included songs called "Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off" and "But it's Better if You Do", a direct reference to a line spoken by Natalie Portman's character. ("Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, but it's better if you do.")
2006年10月1日星期日
要是爸在
这一晚，吃饱喝足了，坐下来喝茶和抠脚丫子，对着电脑发呆。然后，非常的想念爸爸，想念有人替自己做主的日子。 昨天晚上做梦，一个人磨豆子做豆浆。吭哧吭哧地原地打转，心里急得不行就醒过来了。哎，要是爸在，三十岁也不用而立，四十岁也不用不惑，五十岁也不用知天命，一辈子糊涂都不用发愁，多好！要是爸在，他一定逼着我再组装一台晶体管收音机，告诉我等收音机装好了，心里的事儿也就找着答案了。要是爸在，他一定看不惯我这么没精打采地磨蹭，他一定会抽出我的懒筋来，让我踏踏实实地干活，老老实实的做人。嘿，他干吗那么着急就从“爸爸”的岗位上退了下来呢？我还有好多人生的问题等着他来回答呢，那些问题的答案不在《十万个为什么》里面，也不再《儒勒法尔纳全集》中间，也不在他喜欢的《元曲选》里。要是爸在， 我的人生一定会简单的多。要是爸在，我要告诉他，我也开始喜欢胡一刀，不再喜欢令狐冲了。
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