Ceremony for Graduate-to-be

Yesterday I was supposed to graduate, but I did not. I saw my advisor briefly in the afternoon and he was as disappointed as I was. Nothing more was to be said, and I had to work hard in the summer to get that degree. The temperature was 85F yesterday, a perfect day for graduation, for laughter, for celebration, for hugs. Instead, I was sitting in the computer lab and felt so cold that I could hardly breathe. There are days which you will feel the ups and downs, my mom used to say. But not like this, not so many!

I have mixed feeling about myself, about my relationship with my advisor, and most of all, about this game called doctoral degree. It gives me so much opportunity, yet causes me so much pain. I don’t really know from my gust why I have not dropped out. The pasture is always greener over there, but why am I staying in my little cubit? My mom had a hard time to accept I am a loser in many aspects and she tried hard to cheer me up in the phone. But the distance is simply too long and we are a world apart. It took generations to move from Tahiti to Eastern Island and it will take the same time to move from my current state to her expectation. In the evening, I went to Capabana with friends. It was a salsa club in middle town near the crossing of 42 street and 11th Avenue. The free lesson was fun. I enjoyed moving my body, instead of my mind. Dancing had its magic which words can not reach. In the simple movement of my feet, the harmony raised and extended to my limbs and heart. After couple of hours of non-stop dancing, we got out of the club. The backdoor faced the Hudson River and it looked like a miracle under the dark sky. The wind was warm and strong, blowing away all the negative thinking about the world. In the distance sky, a big red New Yorker logo was shining. The night was as tender as lover’s hands and the silky wind sent the message of spring time. For a moment, I assumed this night was my ceremony for graduate-to-be. Why not? How many days I can name in my life? Not so many. Let me to make this one special. May 16, 2007!