Degree of Freedom

2006年4月29日星期六

Because of you

This morning, I wake up from a strange dream. Tons of ants hit my home and I have to wash them out. Also I met a lot of high school buddies and we went to lectures by people we adored then. Then I wake up and listen to this song, KELLY CLARKSON 's "Because of You" I will not make the same mistakes that you did, I will not let myself, Cause my heart so much misery, I will not break the way you did, You fell so hardI've learned the hard way, To never let it get that far, Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk, Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt, Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me, Because of you, I am afraid, I finished "My Lovely Sam-Soon" this morning and it becomes really a kitsch popular drama. All of its power melt down to a happy ending. In the end, Sam-Soon waited for the bus and saw this Ads at the station: To love, like you have never been hurt before; to work, like you don't need the money; to live, like today is the last day of the world. And then the good sex solves all the problem and Sam-soon and her bf make it up. I was so disappointed at a time and then I asked myself, "what else you want from this?" It is just a popular drama, it is not about give you an answer you need for life and relationship. It just remind you that how unrealistic this kind of fairtale is. When Sam-Soon became dependent on her relationship and the boy she loved, she lost so many of her values, opinions and judgement, which made her what she was. Maybe I should be satisfied, at least, I have some good time when I watched the first couple of themes in the very begining.

google!

I google "Allan Liu" and find out a English Professor at UC Santa Babara, who is famous for his academic website, Voice of Seattle. Then I search "刘超，天文" and I get 中国虚拟天文台2005年会讨论情况记录重要观点与建议 . Here is a quote from the documents: "邓：我觉得还是有进展，至少刘超那个工作。只是先天不足，导致结果不好，不可验证。建议以后的科学范例要用天文结果显著的课题，保证工作能出结果。 " xix, Lao Liu's work is not easy. He was the person who worked in a project which was "先天不足" and "结果不好，不可验证". The most ridiculous thing is the last sentence. Before you do the experiment or any scientific exploration, how could you know that the project will have any result, not to mention "天文结果显著". This is how domestic universities train their doctoral students. What a pity!

2006年4月27日星期四

Mom got visa!

It seems like a mission impossible, but we did it!!! Mom spent 4 hours in the U.S. Embassy in Beijing: re-making 156 forms in the last minutes, making couple of friends while they waited, and finally got the visa. I worried a lot and what I realized is that I should have more confidence on her and on myself. I feel great and it is the first time I can do something for my mom! As usual, my brother screwed things up by overslept and massed up the date, so he did not accompany mom to the Embassy. It is better that way, though. As my mom put it, if the end is good the whole thing is good. So don't blame anybody. Maybe I should learn her way of viewing the world, and maybe I could be much happier. I remeber a funny conversation earlier this week about What is happiness. A professional comes to give a topic on that topic, whose major job is touring the world to organize group discussion about life philosophy, including happiness. So on the Monday noon, I was sitting in a library room to share my view of happiness. Most people mentioned knowing oneself or working with purpose as state of happiness, but mine is much simplier: no pain and no worry and be free. Americans use the word "achieving happiness" which I do not totally agree with. Yes, you can work hard for happiness; but happiness is also given by some powerful force out of our reach. Happiness is more like a short break of a long painful journey we all share; it is not a state of being, but rather a floating moment which is hard to grasp. I can not help thinking about the final moment of Faust's life. He knew he would die if he said "Life is so beautiful and please stay with me", but eventually he could not escape his fate and died before his own achievement. It is irony that he can not feel happy unless he die for it right away. Was he happy when he spent the moment in love with Margret ? Was he happy when he had incredible power and shared with Helen? Was being happy his fate or his curse? I don't know. Life in the past 29 years does not offer me answers, it posts more questions. That is why I am pretty content with my life so far. Remember that lyric Swedish movie, My Life as a Dog? Rember the narrative of the boy in its begining ? He recalled what the lonely Russian dog felt when it was sent to outer space for scientific experiment. The boy had great compassion with the dog and his life was not much better than the dog, his mom was dying and he was sent to villiage alone. But he found happiness in the simple country life, full of discovery, surprise and love. Maybe that is the way I should do: don't seek for happiness, but wait the happiness to come to you.

2006年4月25日星期二

长滩观鲸历险记

不用说鲸鱼自然是没有看到了，否则受点罪我也就认了。难就难在九死一生什么也没看见，不过见到几只小海豚在海里到几个滚儿，若干海狮在海面的浮标上小憩，来个鲸鱼毛都没见着。感觉自己受了委屈，可是人家广告上也没有保证你一定能看到鲸鱼，人家说的是我们这是观赏鲸鱼的旅行，但是看不看得到在您老人家的运气。魔高一尺，道高一丈，认栽吧您哪！原定2.5个小时的行程走了3.5个小时，而且海上风大浪急，我立刻晕船，没机会欣赏良辰美景，我的眼里全是奈何天。吐了两次，差不多把中午昂贵的三明治全吐出来了。一个人没上没下的站在狭小的卫生间里，我一个劲儿的给自己唱《让我们当起双桨》和《军港之夜》，但是平复的效果几乎等于零。全他们的是骗人地。我决定今后再也不乘坐小于1500人的游轮出海，能不通过海上旅行就尽量避免。此外，今后只到水族馆看鲸鱼：确保一定能见到，而且不会晕船。在折腾的几个钟头里，我把自己的前生今世都想了一遍，觉得对不起别人的时候多，是该受点罪！想想海粤27个小时苦战才生下她的女儿，我觉得心都凉了。我可干不了，这么难受三个钟头我就要歇菜了。个人命不同，也许真轮到我的时候，能有点狗屎运吧！现在总结今天的经验如下：第一，不要听风就是雨，没干过的事要掂量着办；第二，鲸鱼不是个好东东，能不看就不看，非要看就去动物园；第三，长滩是个好地方，但是路边广告害人多，千万要细看。不懂的时候多问问旁边的老美。今天作决定的时候，旁边是两个英国人，结果大家一起受了美帝国主义的罪。好不容易快靠岸的时候，一个美国老头屁颠屁颠地跑过来对英国老头说，快看“King’s Mary, British boat”，英国老头没好气地答道，“俺们是苏格兰人”。看看，谁说种族问题容易解决来着？今天早上被柬埔寨来的出租车司机坑了3块钱，我现在还肝儿疼呢。哎，这一天也忒长了。最后找了一个日本餐馆想餐一顿热乎的面条，结果那面条除了没有一点油水向日本做法以外，简直就是净水煮净菜，让人嘴里淡出个鸟来。所以说，橘生在淮南为枳，我在长滩就是一个大傻帽儿。还是早点滚回纽约我的一亩三分地去吧，这江湖不是让我闯荡的地方。

by the way, Sam-Soon looks like Sophie Marceau in Fan-fan

Remember the cute girl in FanFan? Sam-soon looks like her and behaves like her too. Not afraid of love and go for it.

Who're afraid of Sam-Soon Kim?

I have not got much sleep in past two days and can not resist the temptation of watching a korean citcome, I am Sam-Soon Kim. A modern fairtale of a an 30 something spinster who found her love with a 27 handsome straight guy, who by chance had lots of money. Sam-soon is quite a charater, who fights anyone anytime to protect her integrity and her belief in true love, even thouhg she is always set up in embarrassing situations where she has to compete hopelessly. She is so lovely and sometimes I start to believe her story could be true in real world. You will see so much prejudices against her based on age, appearance, family background, and weight, and she brave the waves all the time. She believe in love and she does not wait for perfect love to come. She in fact educates her lover what love is and how important it is to face one's feeling. She makes mistakes, she messes up, and most importantly she knows herself and believe in herself. I see those unbelievable quality in her and her strength comes within and warm everyone around her.