“Gosh, I Love America!”: A 2008 Campaign Quiz
by Paul Slansky
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2007/10/15/071015sh_shouts_slansky1. Two of these quotes are from Mike Gravel. Which one is from Mitt Romney?
(a) “I am prepared to tell you that Americans are getting fatter and dumber. I have no problem saying that.”
(b) “I think we at one point were fish coming out of the slime.”
(c) “Gosh, I love America!”
2. How did a Times editorial describe Rudolph Giuliani when he was mayor?
(a) “A human hand grenade.”
(b) “A pit bull with a comb-over.”
(c) “A clumsy wife-leaver.”
Who’s who?
3. Bob Allen.
4. Kristian Forland.
5. Thomas Ravenel.
(a) Bill Richardson’s field director in eastern Nevada, who resigned after it was revealed that he’d worked at a legal brothel and was wanted for writing bad checks.
(b) Rudy Giuliani’s South Carolina campaign chairman, who resigned after being indicted on cocaine charges.
(c) The campaign worker for John McCain who resigned after being arrested for soliciting sex in a Florida rest room.
6. After he came in second in the Iowa straw poll, Mike Huckabee said that the experience of being swarmed by the media was akin to what?
(a) “Britney Spears being released from prison.”
(b) “Lindsay Lohan shaving her head.”
(c) “Paris Hilton being photographed passed out in her car.”
7. Who is Janet Neff ?
(a) The reporter who wrote a story about Hillary Clinton’s cleavage.
(b) The judge whose nomination to a federal district court Sam Brownback tried to block because she had attended the same-sex commitment ceremony of a neighbor’s daughter four years earlier.
(c) The blogger on the John Edwards campaign who resigned after writing about George W. Bush’s “wingnut Christofascist base.”
8. Two of these candidates apologized for saying that American lives lost in the Iraq war had been “wasted.” Who apologized for saying that homosexuality was “a choice”?
(a) Bill Richardson.
(b) Barack Obama.
(c) John McCain.
9. Complete this statement by Newt Gingrich, who keeps threatening to enter the race: “I think it’s proven I’m _____.”
(a) not getting the Hispanic vote
(b) candidate material
(c) the kind of guy who leaves his wives as soon as they become ill
10. Two of these statements apply to Mitt Romney. Which one applies to Tom Tancredo?
(a) He said that his favorite novel is L. Ron Hubbard’s “Battlefield Earth,” though he pointed out that the author had not yet founded Scientology when he wrote it.
(b) He claimed to have been “a hunter pretty much all my life,” then admitted that he’d only rarely ever hunted, and “small varmints,” at that.
(c) He suggested that the United States “nuke Mecca.”
Who did what?
11. Fred Thompson.
12. Dennis Kucinich.
13. John Edwards.
14. Rudy Giuliani.
(a) Found his name often appearing in sentences containing the word “hair” or “haircut.”
(b) Answered a phone call from his wife in the middle of a speech to the N.R.A.
(c) Got laughed at when he referred to “my inauguration as President” in 2009.
(d) Found his name often appearing in sentences containing the word “lazy.”
15. At a Senate Foreign Relations Committee hearing, Joseph Biden referred to the queue of senators waiting to speak. How did he pronounce “queue”?
(a) “Kwa-you.”
(b) “Kway.”
(c) “Cue-you-ee.”
Who did what?
16. Hillary Clinton.
17. Chuck Hagel.
18. Barack Obama.
19. John McCain.
(a) Said that MoveOn.org, because of its ill-conceived “General Betray Us” ad, “ought to be thrown out of this country.”
(b) Was upset to learn that a formerly friendly mogul had switched candidates.
(c) Mistakenly said that “ten thousand people died” in a Kansas tornado that claimed twelve lives.
(d) Called a press conference to announce an unreadiness to announce anything.
20. Who is Jim Riches?
(a) The Fox News reporter who broke the erroneous story that Barack Obama attended a Muslim school.
(b) A business associate of the indicted Clinton fund-raiser Norman Hsu.
(c) The New York Fire Department deputy chief who said of Rudy Giuliani, “If somebody can tell me what he did on 9/11 that was so good, I’d love to hear it. All he did was give information on the TV.”
21. What did John McCain say could cause him to drop out of the race before the New Hampshire primary?
(a) “Forgetting which world leaders are still alive.”
(b) “Contracting a fatal disease.”
(c) “Getting caught in a men’s-room stall with Larry Craig.”
经过了45分钟的反复修改和试验，踩着高跟靴子，挎着闪亮手袋，四个信心爆棚的美女出发了。到街上一看，我就自惭形秽了。年轻的小美女们真是舍得花钱，每个人都置了专门的行头，从头到脚，毫不含糊。有的化妆成波涛汹涌的小护士、小红帽，有的变身成为Wonder woman、Super woman、Cat woman，大批的女孩子化装成日本韩国式的校服女孩，还有不少干脆就内衣外穿，在紧身衣外面套丁字裤。男孩子的想象力比较有限，街上有一堆囚犯、纽约警察、MTA工人、救火队员。经久不衰的造型当然非星球大战里面的怪物们莫数了，星战、星战后传、星战前传，凡是有点头脸的角色都出动了。当然街上也少不了各种恐怖片里的角色，血淋淋的有点恶心。
因为是万圣节之前的周末，Webster Hall这个周末的主题就是魔鬼降临。11点钟左右，门口就排起了长队。幸亏我们在网上提前买了票，否则的话，还要排队等候。门口的安检比机场的严格多了，不仅把你的包从里到外检查一便，还要搜身。Webster Hall 里面有很多层，根据票价的不同，能进入的地方也不同。地下一层是hiphop music，里面的人多得像虱子一样，温度高的不行，进去像是蒸桑拿。灯光暗淡，温度极高，有的情侣就开始上下其手，动作是分出格，我们决定不能在这个少儿不宜的房间里久留。第一层的舞厅在不断地放送80年代的老歌，投影仪打出那个年代歌曲的mv。领舞的台子上有不少钢管，会跳不会跳的，都恨不得上去表演一下钢管舞。我们及时把猫按在地上，防止她冲上去表演加州风格的钢管舞。第三层的房间很小，墙上的壁画很有印象派的风格。DJ 年纪很大了，他打理的salsa music也很老派。舞厅里面只有几对在跳舞，其中跳的最好的是一对带着《惊声尖叫》面具的情侣。另一头一对超人和超女跳得也不错。
过了午夜，Webster Hall才正式打开。这个大厅有两层楼高，灯光和音响效果比其他的几个舞厅好太多了。我们进去的时候还没什么人，不消半个钟头，整个舞厅里就挤满了人和鬼们。我们的左边正对着巨大的音箱，音乐震得人心脏打颤儿，唯一的办法就是不停地跳舞，这样才不会感到不舒服。据说晚上有四个不同的DJ在打盘，可是听起来也没什么不同。大概中间有个从俄罗斯来的吧，不断地把手风琴和嘻哈音乐混在一起放。灯光和音乐一样拉风，有的时候晃的人家的眼睛都睁不开。反正大家几杯啤酒下肚都已经很high 了，这样吵闹的音乐和刺眼的灯光正好！
周围最酷的一对情侣打扮成Killing Bill 中间的新娘（
我好久没这么跳舞了，真的很High。后来累得不行了，就跟着音乐蹦跳，我都奇怪自己怎么这么有劲儿。哎呀，原来身体可以带给人这么大的快感，就是简简单单的蹦跳都可以让人感到彻底的放松。什么时间啊，工作啊，都被我的靴子踩得粉碎，好痛快啊！喝一瓶啤酒然后接着蹦跳，什么未来啊，烦恼啊，回国恐惧感啊，未婚恐惧感啊，都被我揣到一边儿去了。跳、跳、跳！
从舞厅出来，已经两点了。意犹未尽，于是三个人到对面的Amsterdam Billiard 打台球。里面有不少从舞会出来的怪物，甚至有一个阿拉伯的王子从我身边走过。我抖擞精神，居然打出不少好球。基本的经验就是猫让我打红球，我偏不，我要打绿色的；猫要我打绿色的，我偏不，我要打紫色的。
最后，三个人都疲了，躲在麦当劳里吃冰。穿着超短旗袍的丫头们从我们旁边经过，super woman 也来了，然后是一个大纸箱子。箱子很有礼貌地移动到我们面前，然后把自己放在地上，温柔地问我们，隔壁的桌子有没有人。我们大笑，这才是今晚最佳的扮装诶！箱子里的绅士！
